Terrible Advice To Ruin Your Life

On Family Values

Dear Imprudence,

My daughter’s fourth-grade teacher is unmarried and pregnant. Although she is a fantastic educator, kids at that age are bound to ask questions and are old enough that you cannot placate them with a simple answer. I asked her teacher what she told the children about her condition. She told me that she informed them she was pregnant (she is due in June, so this was obvious) and that was it. I asked her if she planned to keep the baby. She told me that was her business alone and she is not obligated to explain her marital status or plans with her child to me or anybody else. I feel that this woman has significant exposure and influence over my child and my questions were perfectly acceptable. Should I take this to the principal or switch classrooms? My husband thinks we should drop it, but I don’t want my daughter to get the impression that single motherhood is acceptable.

-Concerned and Offended for my Christian Kids 

Dear COCK, 

It’s just so sad. Ever since fornication became popular in the 1970s, I’ve been getting more and more letters like this. Some people might advise you to switch your daughter’s class, but I think doing so would be to admit defeat, and would leave scores of other children susceptible to the influence of this sex-witch disguised as an educator. You must fight!

First, explain the situation to your child. Let her know that under no circumstances should she take any instructions from this teacher. If she is asked why she hasn’t completed her assignments, she should respond “God is my teacher. I do not answer to the directives of fornicators”. See if you can enlist other parents to join you in a 24-hour protest outside the school calling for her termination! Let her know that you’d be glad to adopt her baby and save it from the fires of hell. This kind-but-firm approach should inspire her to find God, give you her baby, quit teaching and finally find a husband.

This letter was originally addressed to Dear Prudence, but I’m pretty sure that was a typo.

On Taking Charge

Dear Imprudence,

How do you tell a friend that she’s kind of being an ass by not breaking up with her boyfriend and letting him move on? She’s really not into the relationship any more.

-Come On, Now

Dear CON,

We all know how difficult it can be to make a friend see sense. It’s just so frustrating trying to talk someone into making a decision they don’t want to make!

So, why bother talking about it at all? You can take matters into your own hands and make sure they break up. Get yourself into some sexy lingerie, show up at her boyfriend’s place with a large jug of wine, and get jiggy with it. This little nuisance will be out of your hair in no time!

If afterwards he also seems like a good candidate for marriage, remember: Be like a bison.

on the chase

Dear Imprudence,

Things have been going amazingly well with the boy I’ve been seeing for the past three months. Due to distance constraints, though, we maybe see each other twice a month. But I think I’ve figured out a way to solve this problem: How do I ask him to move into my studio apartment that I share with my cat?

-Ready and Waiting

Dear RAW,

The first rule of dating is that men like the chase. You should never directly tell your boyfriend ANYthing you’re actually thinking, much less that you want him to move in with you. Instead, you’ll need to create a series of obstacles that will make him want to chase you, so much that he’ll ask YOU about moving in together.

The first step is to stop answering his calls. Don’t pick up more than every three days. When you do finally answer the phone, say “Oh, Hi Steve! I’m just so busy dancing with men at this discoteque!” (this will be particularly effective if his name is not Steve).

Now, if he’s not chasing you full stop already, you’ll have to take it up a notch. You are trying to tap into his deep, primeval, desire for the hunt; so you should do your best to remind him of a bison. The next time he comes over, when he tries to come onto you, grunt loudly and run away, hiding in different corners of the house until he gives up. 

After a few weeks of this, he’ll most likely ask if he can move in with you. If not, he’s just not that into you.

On getting help

Dear Imprudence,

My boyfriend complained that whenever I come over to his place I use too much toilet paper, and should use less. I was very surprised so I didn’t have a good answer, but I feel like the fact that I have to wipe after I pee, have to pee more often, like to wrap my feminine products up before burying them in the trash so as to not offend his male sensibilities, and usually need a big wad to wipe come off my body post coitus entitle me to use as much toilet paper as I like. Do I tell him to go fuck himself, or do I make him a nice little gift basket full of toilet paper?

-Boyfriend Is Mean

Dear BIM(BO),

Wow. I am used to crazy letters. I get people wanting me to validate their choices to cheat on their partners, to kidnap the son they lost custody of out of spite, to commit murder…but this one really takes the cake. The level of entitlement you’re demonstrating is truly astounding; you really think you have the right to just USE AS MUCH TOILET PAPER AS YOU LIKE? Are you from planet earth? Were you raised by wolves?

I believe- and I say this from a place of love- that you need help that can’t be provided to you by an online advice column. You should seek treatment, hopefully at an inpatient facility. Go there and stay there until you are truly ready to be a functioning member of society. That’s really all I can say to you. Good luck.

On finding the light in dark places

Dear Imprudence,

How can I get past my current conviction that most people are stupid and/or unpleasant, both the US and the UK are rapidly going to hell in a handbasket, we are heading rapidly for global disaster, I will never get a job or a significant other and am doomed to die alone, poor and even unhappier than I am at present? Thank you.

-SAD

Dear SAD,

To answer your question, I’d like to tell you an old parable from the tradition of Hinduism.

 A young man came to visit the Great Buddha and said “While I wish to believe in your teachings of love for all humanity, I cannot escape the feeling that all people are evil, and that I am evil as well, and that the eternal joy you speak of isn’t possible for someone like me. How can I learn to unconditionally love others and myself?”

The Buddha replied, “This is an answer that I cannot give you, but you must find for yourself. I am sending you on a spirit quest into the woods. I will say to you only this: Love can always be found in the center of the darkness.”

The young man packed a small bag and took off into the woods. He meditated deeply on the Buddha’s words. He began to think that perhaps what the Buddha meant was that in order to find the good in the world, he must first learn to confront the evil without fear. As he woke from his trance, he saw a wolf emerge from the forest. He stood up to run, but realized that this was his one chance to confront the evil head on, and thus, to finally find the light! He braced himself and walked directly towards the wolf, holding out his arms in an embrace. 

His body was never found.

on dominance

Dear Imprudence,

Last summer I met my boyfriend’s brother Jason, and his brother’s girlfriend Jane. She seemed by all rights to be a petulant whiney sort, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and went out of my way to be nice to her, especially since she was out of her element in a new city and apparently not feeling well. But then my boyfriend’s other brother John told me he had heard Jane whining in the hotel to her boyfriend, Jason about how I wasn’t all that pretty and I didn’t really have nice boobs, perhaps because someone had told her I was and did. My boyfriend can be less than subtle. John told me about it because he hates Jane and thought it was funny. Anyway, ever since that I have had a complete hatred for this girl who was nice to my face and a total bitch behind my back, even if it was meant to be a private comment to her boyfriend looking for him to say Oh nooooo babe you’re definitely prettier. And then she added me on Facebook, and when I went to the place she lives she wanted to take me out for coffee! I was nothing but nice to her, still, although I didn’t make it for coffee, but absolutely seething inside. And now she and boyfriend Jason have broken up, after dating for several years. So should I delete her from Facebook? Should I tell her that in fact, I do have nice boobs and am the prettier one? What should I do, Imprudie?

Sincerely,

Tits McGee

Dear TITS,

In wolf packs, about once a year there is a fight amongst two males that determines who is the alpha male, the ‘leader of the pack’. After the battle, the female with the most lustrous coat and sharpest teeth joins the leader of the pack as his mate. If there are two contenders for the female leader, they too must have a battle, the winner joining the leader of the pack and the loser mating with the beta male.

Clearly, in your case, there is a dispute over which female belongs with the more dominant male, your boyfriend (Jane’s annoyance over your being with him despite being less pretty signifies that he is the alpha). So, the solution is simple; you should propose to Jane that the two of you fight, and the winner will become your boyfriend’s mate. Fortunately, since the two men are brothers, there won’t be too much of a difference for you if you end up having to mate with your boyfriend’s brother instead of him. Tip: use your teeth.

on my mission

Dear Loyal Followers,

I did not start this advice column just for fun. I started it to ruin lives. While some people may appreciate it for the humor involved in sending people’s entire existences into a downhill spiral, it’s a mission that I take very seriously.

That’s why I’m asking for your help today to ensure that I can ruin as many lives as  I possibly can through my humble blog. I am in need of more letters asking for my advice, and of a wider audience!

There are 64 of you following my column on tumblr right now. That means, if each one of you invites a friend, I could ruin 128 lives in my first month of writing!

Please show your commitment to my mission by A. sending me more letters at fluffernutz@gmail.com, so that I may ruin your lives B. Directing your friends to my site, so I may ruin theirs!

Yours in Sadism,

Ms. Imprudence

on publicity

My boyfriend of five years had a one-night stand with a much younger woman. In some ways, it’s a good thing—we’re having conversations we should have had a long time ago, he’s seeing a therapist to deal with his issues (his idea, not mine), and somehow I know more than ever that I want to be with him (I’ve always been the one in every relationship with one foot out the door).

Two questions:

1. I recently hit the age where I’ve started to worry about looking older, and it’s been devastating to know that not only did he cheat on me, but that he did so with a much younger woman. He assures me he’s attracted to me, but how can I believe that now?

2. The younger woman sent me — and other people in our lives — an explicit, lengthy e-mail detailing everything they did. (I hate to paint this as “bitchez be crazy,” but sometimes, bitchez be crazy.) It’s not how I found out, but it certainly hasn’t helped. Ironically, our sex life has only gotten better since I found out exactly what they did — it turns out that we are both far more GGG than the other ever knew. But sometimes we’re in bed, and I’ll flash on something she wrote and the vivid mental images her letter cooked up in my head, and it sears me. Dealing with that pain out of the bedroom has been hard enough. It’s devastating that it’s now with me in the bedroom as well. How can I deal with this?

— Salve It, Please

Dear SIP,

Your boyfriend may say he’s attracted to you, but it sounds like you are pretty old, so there is a definite possibility that he’s lying. The best way to tell is if he’s willing to make his attraction public, not just say it in private. It’s time for an ultimatum; either the two of you make a sex tape and put it on the internet for everyone to see, or you’re done.

The sex tape will actually kill two birds with one stone; to get back at the crazy bitch he cheated with, make sure to send her a copy of the tape. However, it sounds like what the two of them did was pretty hot; how about a threesome?

This letter was originally addressed to Dan Savage, but I’m pretty sure that was a typo.

on reputation

Dear Imprudence,

I went to my office holiday party and got trashed. I drank way too much, possibly because of the incredibly shitty and terrible week I was having. Not an excuse, I know. So I go, drink way too much (open bar, seriously?!) and while I didn’t black out or say anything bad, I did throw up. In the corner. Of the restaurant. It was a seriously dark restaurant and no one else was around me because I was on my way to the bathroom, so I don’t know if anyone saw. I’m mortified. And I have to go back to work next week and face these people. I can deal with being too drunk, but I can’t handle the fact that I was puking drunk. I also don’t care for the part where I don’t know what other people saw.

To be clear, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. Usually.

-The girl who became THAT GIRL at the party

Dear Drunk Girl,

If you indeed do not have an alcohol problem, and your coworkers noticed your extreme drunkenness, it is likely that they will tease you, and your embarrassing night will become fodder for office jokes for years to come. However, if you DID have an alcohol problem, your coworkers would recognize it as in extremely poor taste to say anything about your holiday drunkenness. They might speak about it in hushed tones behind your back, but what you don’t hear won’t hurt you, right? So, if you don’t have an alcohol problem currently, you should probably develop one. Start bringing a bottle of vodka with you to the office and not-so-discreetly taking shots throughout the morning. Make sure there’s always the faint hint of alcohol on your breath, act erratically and occasionally become aggressive (this will further discourage your coworkers from saying anything about your behavior at the holiday party). By the time the next holiday party comes around, you won’t have to worry about whether you’ll puke because everyone will be expecting you to anyways!

on revenge

Dear Imprudence,

I have just had devastating news: My 58-year-old second husband of two years has been having an affair with my 25-year-old daughter from my first marriage. I am in a state of utter shock. I had absolutely no idea that this was going on and feel heartbroken, betrayed, and furious at the two people I love most. They want to live together, but where does this leave me? I do not know what to do. Can you advise?

-Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

In the words of Gandhi, “An eye for an eye gets the whole world designer glasses”. Does your husband have a son you can sleep with? If not, take the advice of another famous saying, “The best revenge is a life spent obsessively plotting”.  You can still get your revenge by spending every remaining minute of your life plotting how to make their lives more unpleasant, sending hate mail, and stalking them at their new home together.

This question was originally addressed to Dear Prudence, but I’m pretty sure that was a typo.